Patriotic Bipolar Disorder

I believe I am suffering from a disorder that I just made up: patriotic bipolar disorder. This is where one minute you are nearly in tears over the love you have for your country and then the next minute you are praying that some breakaway republics form that you can move to. You know how some people can’t even be near peanuts? For me it’s politicians. I get hives and itch all over. The only cure is tar-and-feathers. It’s not a fun disease to have, especially because environmentalists keep hounding me to use synthetic feathers next time.

It’s not an easy life to live. I’m hoping to get some of that bailout money since my senators and governor can’t stop bragging about how much New Jersey sucked out of your pockets. With that money, maybe I can find a cure…like a house on thousands of acres of land…with my own flag and currency backed by gold…Ooo, it’s almost like Conservative porno!

Let’s get serious for a moment. I truly believe in PBD because I can’t stop this love/hate thing. I love my country, but my government drives me nuts! Think about what’s going on in this country right now. The Federal Reserve is buying more debt. You see, the Fed prints money out of thin air so that Congress can spend it on great things like train stations named after my senator, which drives up inflation and increases our debt. Congress then borrows money from China to cover what we’ve just printed, which also increases our debt. The Fed then prints more money in order to buy the debt that Congress just created…which also increases our debt and inflation. And on and on and on…

Speaking of the Fed - how come if a credit card company jacks up its interest rate, people flip out and demand action - yet the Fed can keep printing our money until it turns into the peso and almost nobody bats an eye?

What else is happening? Congress is trying to stop alleged detainee abuse photos from being released. When Bush was in office, we needed to show these photos. It was important to show what the evil Bush administration was doing. Now that our lord and savior Barry Obama is in office, well, we can't show these photos. It would harm our troops, damage our nation’s image overseas, and put our nation at risk. Yet, no one sees the hypocrisy here.

What else is driving me crazy? Democrats are submitting the Paid Vacation Act of 2009 (H.R. 2564). Employees that work at least 25 hours a week would be given a mandatory paid week’s vacation. What better way to stimulate our economy than by asking people to not work? The theory is that we will stimulate the economy by having happy, rested, citizens. How about we stimulate the economy by letting us keep our money and jobs? Can we cut to the chase and just change our name to New France already?!

You see, by paying even a small amount of attention to the morons in Washington DC, I continue to suffer from PBD. I think the first step in curing this disease is to build a wall around Washington DC. It’s sort of like how a computer’s antivirus program works. It isolates the code that’s destroying your entire system and keeps it there. While there may be one or two people in Congress that still believe in the principles of our Founders, that is not enough anymore. It’s time to call Lot out of Sodom and wall that baby up.

Then we need to change the name of our capital. I think it is a grave injustice to continue to have that cesspool named after our first president. There is absolutely no resemblance to Washington nor his beliefs in that city. From now on, my essays will only refer to our nation’s capital as ‘DC’ so that I no longer contribute to the slander of George Washington’s good name.

Now let’s see…what should DC stand for, the District of Corruption? Hey, how about the District of Carter? That’s a much more appropriate president to name that city after.

Man, I am soooo itchy…